


Kawa Akari

by TheStarsHaveAligned



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Dealing with anxiety, F/M, beginings were never easy, beware of okita's green eyes, discovering things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 20:39:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4406759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheStarsHaveAligned/pseuds/TheStarsHaveAligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>River Light; the gleam of light on a river’s surface.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>sometimes you can't see what is at the bottom of a riverbed until you dive enough to fight its current.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kawa Akari

It was certainly stupid, after all this time, to feel this anxious, but Chizuru felt a sudden rush of panic and the need to crouch and hold her head in her hands right there, right now.

  
It had been months since she arrived to Kyoto, and some more since she was allowed to stay in the Shinsengumi headquarters with the _security_ of no backlashing for being a girl disguised as a man, and the daughther of the disappeared-in-strange-circumstances Kodo sensei. But in all this time she'd never felt such a rush of pure anxiety and distress. Not even once. This was nowhere close to fright for her life or uncertainty of the future; she felt, utterly and devastantingly, out of place.  
  
And yet, even with the overwhelming need to curl into a ball and stay in fetal position in the ground trying to soothe as much as possible her overbearing pounding heart, she gulped and raised her voice to speak -raised it _a bit_ more cheerfully than intended, and _maybe_ an octave too high to dissimulate her current state.  
  
Kyoto was bustling with people; all around her crowds surrounded her and passed by her side not minding her at all, and yet she felt as if even the smallest human interaction would peel off her skin right now. Everything was too much for her hypersensible senses. Too noisy, too hustling, too colorful.  
  
There was too much of everything except air.  
  
Trying to focus on her breathing, and reminding herself of how walking normally was, her feet kept with Okita's rhythm as she felt her joints had been glued together and all her body moved excessively tense and rigidly. Even the movement of her head suddenly felt odd and she realised how the world around her moved up and down when she walked, and in too quick and abnormally speed.  
  
It was all together too much to bear without having to stop, close her eyes, and lean against a wall for dear support.  
  
But do such and explain it to the green eyed first division captain who is staring at you as if you were the Shinsengumi's biggest pain in the ass, today.  
  
Not in this life. She had to pull herself together; she'd overcome worse. She was just a little bit out of habit, a little bit out of shape. A little bit out of place. Nothing she could not handle.  
  
It was amazing how she could separate and distinguish as in different wave lenghts, the noises coming from her own body, the rustling of her clothes, the peebles being stepped on, and the chattering of people around her, and yet not Okita's voice when he first addressed her.  
  
Of course by the time she synched his voice to his annoyed face it was already too late.  
  
At his obvious question, she nodded, smiled and tried to pass if off. A pity he was not the kind of man to let go of things just because you wanted him to. Okita was both scary insightful and plainly scary; his green eyes almost glowed with something close to curiosity at how much she was trying to sound _just_ fine, and pierced through her with an insistency and intensity as only he knew how to, when he stared at her waiting for a better explanation to her behaviour.  
  
And then and there she found in them a seam of darker green, like staring at an emerald glowing in the sun if you correctly shifted it towards light, and became entranced.  
  
Dangerously beautiful. It was like staring at a stream of water running too fast, deep enough to drown you dare you to step on it. These waters were dangerous, these eyes were not safe. These eyes could see beyond what she wanted to hide -had already seen beyond. They could see her in a vulnerable state she did not want to show.  
  
And yet, if you stare at darkness long enough, darkness stares back at you.  
  
You can plunge into rough waters and dive and swim them if you don't fight the current. She did not have to fight his eyes, she just had to let herself go with them; she saw through him for a second, yet another hue to his eyes, suddenly showing the calm waters under the current running in the surface. Violent, vivid. Mesmerazing.  
  
The exchange was brief, but intense, and both tore their eyes away compelled by a force stronger than embarrasment. The need to not let someone pry into them. The awareness of how deep they had dived into something they should not have.  
  
He turned his body away from her and harshy compelled her to follow, and Chizuru realized her previous anxiety had disappeared without a trace. Not even remnants of her previous pricking were left on her body.  
  
How odd. Chizuru looked back at him, at his back, his hair, and his profile as she tried to catch with his steps, and he seemed completely unfazed, to a point she almost doubted such excange had happened. But it had. She had seen something beyond those intimidating eyes. She had seen a stream of life running on a complete different path than the one he usually showed.  
  
Okita was not what he looked like, and she was glad, because she wasn't either.

 

  
_For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),_  
_It’s always our self we find in the sea._  
E. E. Cummings

**Author's Note:**

> \- a reinterpretation of the first outing.


End file.
